


Five Stages

by Craftybadger1234



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acceptance, Anal Sex, Anger, Animagus, Bargaining, Boys Kissing, Denial, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Five Stages of Grief, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Leaving Home, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Masturbation, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Scent Kink, Scents & Smells, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, The Marauder's Map
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 17:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18238109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftybadger1234/pseuds/Craftybadger1234
Summary: When eleven year-old Sirius finds out he's soulmates with Remus, he goes through the five stages of grief over six years.





	1. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to CleopatraIsMyName for looking this over for me! You were super great, especially considering wolfstar is not one of your ships! I appreciate the help and the suggestions that round everything out and make it better.
> 
> This is a 'first words you hear from your soulmate on your palm' thing, but the words themselves don't matter so I never say what they are.

\--------  
Denial  
\--------

Remus didn’t think he’d care much when he found his soulmate. He’d known his whole life that he wouldn’t be keeping them, so what did it matter if he ever heard the words or not?

Until that day on the train.

How did one prepare for the maelstrom of emotion? First the sweet music of the words he’d looked at his whole life. Then the harsh burn on his palm as the words faded from black to silver. His mother said it would hurt, but compared to the pain level he was accustomed to, it barely registered. Euphoria followed quickly, as he smiled at the boy in front of him. 

It all ended with a sharp pain in his head as it hit the wall behind him. The other boy’s ugly rage washed over him and he yelled at Remus, “Nasty pouf! Don’t you dare speak a word of this to anyone!” He left the compartment with a crashing slam of the door, leaving Remus shaken and sweaty with nerves.

Finding out they were to be rooming together was a nightmare. Of a sort. Sirius proclaimed loudly it wouldn’t matter, that his parents would be along shortly to get him out of Gryffindor anyway. But Remus could smell the ashy, burned smell of his fear and nerves. Three days later when Orion and Walburga Black left the Headmaster’s office in a huff, Sirius took on a soft, honeyed scent. 

He tried to take the bed opposite Remus, to be as far from him as possible, but the elves kept putting his clean clothes in James’s trunk. Forced to switch beds at last, Sirius still managed to ignore Remus whenever they were in proximity. Remus told himself it didn’t hurt when Sirius brushed him off. It didn’t matter because he would leave Remus once he found out about his lycanthropy. Best he not get too attached anyway.

Remus tried to make friends with the other Gryffindor first years, but they didn’t want him. James saw Remus’s attempted friendship with the group of girls as his ‘in’ with his soulmate. But Lily’s wariness of James and his exuberance made her keep her distance from Remus. The other girls simply followed her lead.

So here Remus sat in the Great Hall, alone for the time being, waiting for breakfast and someone to talk to. It didn’t take long for the Hall to fill with chattering, excited students. Even better when the mail arrived, and his family’s owl, Sage, landed next to him. Remus nuzzled the soft feathers and fed him a piece of bacon.

“It’s so good to finally see you!” Remus whispered. He fumbled with the scroll tied to Sage’s leg, excited to see what his parents had to say about his placement and the surprise of finding his soulmate. His unwilling soulmate. “If you’d like, you can go to the owlery to rest. I want to send a letter home with you. Maybe tomorrow?”

The owl hooted softly before taking off. 

Remus darted a look around before unrolling the letter. He couldn’t wait to read it, but also didn’t want someone peering over his shoulder. His mother wasn’t likely to mention his secret, but one could never be too careful.

_My dearest Remus, we’re so happy for you! Your father had hoped for Hufflepuff, but said your grandmother was a Gryffindor and would be pleased someone from the family ended up there. I hope you’re finding your way around the castle well enough. Your father says it was a tricky thing, learning the layout, especially when the staircases move. Was he having me on? Do the staircases really move? Honestly, someone should give the poor children a map!_

_We’re happy you’ve found your soulmate. Perhaps a little shocked it was another boy…_

Remus grinned. A shock to everyone, to be sure! But in the week he’d had to think it over, he found he didn’t really care. Boy or girl, he knew they wouldn’t want him anyway.

_... but happy nonetheless. I’m sorry he didn’t react well to the discovery._

This whopping understatement made Remus snort. He glanced down the table at his soulmate, eating his toast and laughing at something James said.

_But you’re both young yet, and there’s time for him to come around. Don’t give up just yet. Give him the space to live his life while you live yours. All things in their own time! You’re a wonderful boy, Remus, and anyone would be lucky to have you. All my love, Mum_

Remus smiled at his mother’s unending support. He lifted the paper to his face and breathed in the faint scent of home. As he tucked the letter in his inner pocket, his eyes found Sirius again. Frowning at Remus, as usual. Remus gave him a tentative smile but it only made him frown harder.

With a sigh, Remus gathered his bag and headed off to class.

\--

It took time, as all things do, but the boys learned to move around each other. James was most persistent that they be family-away-from-family, much as his own father was with his dorm mates back in the day. Remus kept to himself when he could, occasionally hiding out for the night in tiny hidden cupboards or dark corners of the library. Perhaps not the most comfortable of sleeping places, but it threw them off the scent when he had to stay in the hospital wing overnight during the full moon. 

He started putting a map together, to show his mother over the summer hols. And he was able to do a little homework and extra research on those nights away. Which accidentally led him to the proper _engorgio_ branch of spells to aid James and Sirius in their latest prank.

Their thanks warmed him, but not as much as tentative acceptance into their circle. And now he didn’t have to eat alone anymore.

So long as no one mentioned the silver words on their palms.


	2. Anger

\--------  
Anger  
\--------

The clatter of dishes and cutlery in the Great Hall was jarring after a quiet summer at home with his parents. It filled Remus with excitement, thinking of the coming year. Peter, next to him, chattered on about his holiday, while across the table James and Sirius laughed over secrets they didn’t share with anyone else.

Something odd about Sirius niggled at Remus, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He’d thought they were beyond the ignoring stage, and on their way to friendship. Had something happened over the holiday?

Then Sirius tucked a stray lock of hair over his ear and it all came into focus for Remus. 

“Your ear,” he said quietly, interrupting Peter. Sirius’s ear had been cursed and then healed. Remus had enough experience with magical forms of healing to recognize the signs, now that he knew to look for them. Magical healing always made a smoother line than nature ever created. The shell of Sirius’s ear had lost the little bump midway down, and was now a delicate, curving arc.

James and Sirius stopped their whispering to stare at him. Remus stared back unblinking, at the perfect symmetry of Sirius’s face. All last year he’d snuck peaks whenever he could, marveling at the smooth even features, assuming they were the result of good breeding. 

Remus cleared his throat and fought the rising blush. “Sorry,” he said, looking down at his plate, “it’s just… your ear was cursed and then healed, yeah?”

Sirius tugged at his ear with a scowl. “Maybe. What’s it to you?” 

The sour scent of Sirius’s rage and fear burned hot in Remus. Not a simple accident then, but something much more dangerous. Something Sirius wasn’t ready to speak about.

“Nothing, I just noticed and… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Remus forced a bite of food down his throat. His mind raced, reevaluating the little tidbits Sirius had shared about his family. It would seem things were not so simple in the Black household.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Sirius bit out, “because it’s none of your business.”

“Seems like it’s at least a little bit my business,” Remus mumbled. He shivered, thinking of his parents healing him after the full moon. Of the transient life they were forced to live to avoid questions about the noise, and the child full of suspicious injuries magic couldn’t always heal. How easy it must be for Orion and Walburga Black to get away with their actions when they could heal everything with a flick of their wands.

“No, it’s none of your business and that’s it. As far as my parents are concerned, I don’t have a soulmate.” He stabbed viciously at a piece of chicken. “They’re on the lookout to arrange a betrothal as soon as I’m of age to marry. So don’t you worry on it anymore.”

Remus continued to stare at his plate, hoping his face appeared calm despite the ragged turmoil inside. It was his fault, the injury to Sirius’s ear. Whatever curse they’d hit him with, it was Remus’s fault. For being his soulmate. For being a boy. Even if neither of them had chosen this.

Years of lying - about his pain level, about his nightmares, about his thoughts and worries - had trained him well. With a blank face he shrugged, “Fine by me.”

And just like that, they were back to square one.

Except this time there was one less secret between them.

\--

Remus retched into the basin in his lap. The heaving wouldn’t stop, even though his stomach was painfully empty. Every time he thought of that bedding in the Shrieking Shack, another wave would hit him. He fell back against his pillows with a heavy groan, cursing the idiot that decided to break in and rub their nasty human scent all over the bed.

“Poor dear,” Madam Pomfrey said, bustling over with another set of vials for Remus to try and keep down. “Professor Dumbledore said he’ll put up stronger wards before next moon. It’s a mystery how someone managed to get in at all. You up for visitors?”

Not at all. His stomach roiled and his whole body ached. But that hint, that tiny hint of the sweet scent of his soulmate hovered on the edges of his senses. And he needed it, needed Sirius.

He nodded his head.

The boys settled around his bed, lamenting his food poisoning. Food poisoning, he laughed to himself. Probably one of his more ridiculous excuses, but it fit with the bits of mattress the wolf had accidentally eaten last night that the boy couldn’t keep down today.

Remus held out as long as he could, but eventually he needed sleep more than he needed Sirius nearby. His signal to Madam Pomfrey had her bustling everyone out the door.

Almost everyone. Sirius remained, arms crossed and scowling at Remus.

“Aren’t you going to go?” Remus asked. The oddity of Sirius spending time with him alone on purpose set Remus on edge. He shifted in the bed, pulling the sheet up high as though it could protect him.

“After the ear thing,” Sirius said with a sneer, “I decided you needed closer watching.”

“Oh?” 

“And I’ve noticed that while you seem to spend a lot of random nights away from the dorm… you spend one _particular_ night in the hospital wing.”

Remus shrugged with practiced nonchalance. “You know I’m clumsy. I can’t help it if I end up here sometimes.”

“On the night of the full moon? Every time?”

“Coincidence.”

“It’s not a coincidence! I know you’re - you’re -”

“I’m what, Sirius? What do you think you know?” When Sirius only stared, his face scrunched up in disgust, Remus shook his head. “You can’t even say it. It’s just food poisoning.”

“Wrong again, Lupin,” Sirius said, slowly rising from his chair. “I know food poisoning. That’s a simple cure, a hideous bubbly liquid that smells like charred mint. What you’re taking - it’s something else entirely.”

“It’s not so simple.”

“Yeah, you’d say that wouldn’t you?” He kicked his chair and stormed out of the hospital wing, carrying the spicy scent of his anger with him.

\--

“No, look, it’s a hide _and_ reveal set of spells. Look.” James tapped the map with his wand and whispered the incantation.

Remus and Peter watched a little doodle of a stickman running from Mrs Libby, Filch’s annoying cat, slowly disappear.

“And then _voila_ , it’s back!” He tapped the empty space again with another whispered spell and the doodle came back.

“That’s great!” Peter gushed, always excited when James found a particularly clever spell. “It’ll make editing the map easier if we can get rid of all these notes and things.”

“Yeah, it’s nice we can -” Remus cut off when the dorm door opened. He inhaled deeply, trying to gauge Sirius’s mood as he entered. Calm, for now. “We can clear up the crowded spaces and call back any notes that were important.”

“Sirius, come look,” James said. He pushed his glasses up his nose with a grin. “I found a spell to clear up the map.”

“Brilliant.” He pulled a hand from his pocket. “Hey Lupin, think fast.”

Quick as a flash, Sirius lobbed a tiny object at Remus. His sharp eyes had no trouble following its path and without thinking, he plucked it from the air. In confusion he stared down at Sirius’s family ring in his palm.

“What’s this for?”

Sirius’s eyes narrowed. “It’s silver…”

Remus snorted and threw the ring back at Sirius. It bounced off his chest to the floor. “Nice try.” Muggles had it all wrong about silver and werewolves. Hadn’t Sirius done any magical research, if he wanted to expose Remus? For goodness sake, some of his wounds were sealed with silver powder.

“What’s this about?” James asked. He picked the ring up from the floor and turned it over in his hands. “Seems fine.”

Sirius slid the ring back on his finger. “Yeah, I thought that might not work. So I have a Plan B.” Before Remus could pull his wand in defense, Sirius had sprayed him head to toe with a green slime from his wand.

“Sirius, what the hell?!” Remus shrieked, his arms spread wide and dripping with goo. 

“Oops,” Sirius deadpanned. “I guess you’ll have to strip it all off and get new clothes.” He crossed his arms and gave Remus a cold smile. Tendrils of his spicy scent fed the snapping wolf inside Remus.

He curled his lip and spat, “Trying to see me naked, Sirius? The boys might get _ideas_ about you.”

“What is going on here?” James yelled. Peter hid partially behind him, eyes darting between the two fighting boys.

Remus slowly pulled his wand out and gripped it as tight as his slippery hands would allow. “Nothing a few hexes won’t fix.”

“He’s a werewolf!” Sirius yelled. “I know it! He’s got a bite mark on him somewhere and he doesn’t want anyone to see it. That’s why he’s always hiding to get changed, why he’s in the hospital every single month.” He raised his wand. “Why he lies to us all the damn time!”

“You - you little bastard!” Remus yelled. He wished he could think of a more creative insult but too many assaults on his senses made it hard to think. There was Sirius’s anger, not just the spice Remus craved but also a burnt ash smell underneath, combined with a rise in adrenaline from James and Peter. The wolf swirled with its own rage in response. His grip on his wand loosened when he shook his head, trying to clear it.

James frowned at Remus, “Wait, is he telling the truth? You’re a werewolf?” Behind him Peter squeaked and shrunk down further.

“No! _No!_ ” Remus dropped his wand and covered his face. He shook his head violently, not believing it could end like this. Not even a year and a half of schooling and that was it? Back home, with his mum and dad, and all his adventures over. 

“Yes you are!” Sirius launched himself at Remus, knocking them both to the floor. “I know it!” Sirius fought like a demon, uncaring if he got hurt in the process. He kicked and punched at Remus while trying to rip his robes off.

Remus was forced to relent. It hurt too much, fighting on so many fronts. The boy in him didn’t want to injure his mate, and didn’t want to lie to him any longer. The wolf in him wanted blood, as always - to crush the fragile body it fought, not caring they were soulmates. 

With a final hard shove that sent Sirius sliding across the floor, Remus screamed, “Enough!” He yanked at his robe, tearing the buttons off. The slimy robes hit the floor at his feet and he turned his back on the other three boys. “Here! See? Are you happy now?”

The silvery sheen of the bite mark almost glowed like a beacon on his shoulder blade. Healers told him it was a miracle he could use his arm at all. But werewolves always did heal fast.

Remus hung his head with a defeated sigh. “Are you happy now?” he asked quietly. He wiped his face and hands with the clean side of his robe, then crossed to his trunk for a t-shirt.

“You’re a werewolf?” James asked yet again.

“I knew it,” Sirius whispered, coming to his feet. From the corner of his eye, Remus saw James glare at Sirius.

Remus pulled on a pair of jeans. “A werewolf. I was bitten years ago and… yeah.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared down at the floor. “So I guess now the secret’s out....” The bitter ash scent faded, and the spicy scent mixed with something citrusy that made Remus’s mouth water. Even trembling with fear and rage, Remus wanted to wrap himself around Sirius and rub that scent all over himself. He fairly vibrated with the effort of holding himself together. “I guess I’ll be leaving.”

“Leaving?” Sirius and James said at the same time.

“I mean, yeah, you don’t want share space with a werewolf, do you?” Remus looked between them, and tried to see Peter, still hunched behind James.

Sirius huffed a laugh and shook his head. “Just how thick are you?” He grimaced at his goopy robe and pulled it off angrily. “We don’t want you to leave!” He pulled a clean robe from his trunk.

Remus snorted, “No? Then what was this all about, if you’re not trying to drive me away.”

“I just want you to stop lying to us!” He stood to button his robe, still glaring at Remus.

“Stop lying, Sirius?” Remus shoved Sirius back. “That’s what you want?” He shoved him again, pressing Sirius to the wall. The spicy citrus scent made the wolf pant and snarl. Remus gave a low growl, fighting the urge to lick the exposed skin of Sirius’s neck. “You want us all to share our deepest secrets? _Your_ secrets?”

Instantly the citrus and spice burned to a peppery, fiery ash. Remus cried out and brought a hand to his nose, sure that it would come away bloody. The wolf raged, beating against its cage, desperate to shred the source of the stench. Remus backed away, his limbs trembling, until he hit a bed. He sank into it, moaning into the hands that covered his face. “Stop! Just stop!” He rocked back and forth. “I won’t tell, all right? I promise! Just… stop…”

“Remus?” James asked tentatively.

But he couldn’t answer. He had to get away, before he lost it and tore Sirius apart. He slid off the bed and ran headlong out the door, leaving Sirius and his secrets behind.

\--

Remus ran until his lungs burned and exhaustion won out over the wolf. Curled up in a hidden corner of the castle, he rested and waited, unsure if he wanted them to find him or not. He debated staying the night away from the dorm, but that would only delay the inevitable.

All three boys, already in their pyjamas, sat around a set of parchments and stacks of books. James jumped to his feet when Remus opened the door. “Remus! You’re back! Are you all right?”

“I’m a werewolf,” Remus said quietly. “I’m pretty much never all right.”

“Right,” James coughed awkwardly. “Well, erm, we’ve had a talk with Sirius…” He looked down at Sirius, but he had his mulish expression on and clearly wasn’t going to speak up. “And he explained a little about his parents and - and their brand of discipline.”

“Oh.” Remus didn’t know what to think about that. Were they going to tell Remus? Because all he had was speculation that Sirius was being hexed and magically healed. What kind of details were James and Peter now privy to?

James cleared his throat again. “Yeah, but he also had an idea… about you.” He picked up one of the parchments and handed it to Remus. “See, werewolves only hunt humans. Animals aren’t of interest to them.”

“All right,” Remus said slowly, scanning the parchment but not really taking in the words.

“Yeah and as it turns out, to a werewolf, Animagi are animals, not humans.” James beamed at him, but Remus still wasn’t making the connection. “We’re going to become Animagi. To help you.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous! There’s no way that’s - “

James held up a hand. “Save it, we’ve already gone back and forth on it all while you were sulking.” Remus choked on air at the audacity, but James continued, “You can argue the point later. Right now we’re working on a list of potions to help us.” He picked up another two parchments. “This is the list of things we need,” he said as he handed the first parchment to Remus. “It’s not much, but the ingredients are rare. And this is a list of boring, regular potions that use those ingredients. So over the next few months, I can owl my dad for things, telling him I’m working on this list.” He shook the ‘boring’ list at Remus. “Brilliant, right? It’ll take a while to get everything but this is the best way to outrun suspicion.”

“Wait, stop. You can’t become Animagi!”

“Excuse you, but I can do anything I want. Now come help us with this list.” James sat down and pulled a potions book into his lap.

A rant of epic proportions grew larger and larger in Remus’s mind. Impossible. Dangerous. Foolhardy. And yet so typical of his friends, he groaned mentally. It hung on the tip of his tongue, all his denials and protests. But he met Sirius’s shining grey eyes and he hesitated. 

Sitting next to Sirius, he whispered, “This was your idea?”

“Yes,” Sirius grunted, flipping through his book aimlessly.

Remus didn’t understand any of it. Not their general acceptance of his lycanthropy, Sirius outing him, then trying to help him. He leaned closer to Sirius, while reaching for a book, so he could breathe in his scent. The soft honey scent of his calm, tinged only slightly with the burned ashy scent of his fear. And around it all, the spicy citrus that drove Remus mad. 

“Well…” Remus said as he sat back with his book. “We can sneak into Greenhouse Three to get a few Mandrake leaves.”

James grinned as he made note on his parchment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the HP wiki, werewolves *can* touch silver, and their bites are frequently sealed with silver powder. The silver taboo is a muggle invention.


	3. Bargaining

\--------  
Bargaining  
\--------

James burst into the room, crossed straight to his bed, and fell on it with a loud moan into his pillows. “Soundly rejected!”

“Again?” Peter asked. He rolled his eyes at Remus and turned his attention back to their card game.

“Yeah, she said she’s going to Hogsmeade with the girls and I’d just be in the way.” He rolled to a sitting position and adjusted his glasses. “I guess it’s the four of us then.”

“You mean the three of you,” Sirius said with a smirk from his bed. “I’ve got a date with Cara Simms.”

Remus froze under the heavy weight of both James and Peter’s stares. He kept his eyes on his cards, not wanting to set Sirius off on another rant about how Remus didn’t own him just because they were soulmates.

He cleared his throat and tossed a card into the discard pile. “You should avoid Puddifoot’s. I hear she hates that place.” He risked a glance at Sirius, proud of himself for not flinching at the hard grey eyes boring into him.

“Thanks for the advice,” Sirius bit out. 

His honey scent soured to match his frown. Remus tossed his cards down then stood to stretch. Sirius’s scent changed again, becoming the spice Remus hated to love. What did Sirius have to be so angry about? Remus was the one being left behind. Feeling bold, he tugged his t-shirt down and said, “Well if you’re going with Cara, I just might ask Lisa Sutton. I hear she enjoys a good tongue-tying curse.” He waggled his eyebrows for good measure.

The citrus scent became a harsh vinegar in Remus’s nose. He scowled at Sirius. “What? You can date, but I can’t?”

“No, of course not. Date whoever you want. Just figured you more for a Bertie or Miles, or some other pouf like you.”

“Sirius…” James sighed in resigned admonition. 

“It’s fine, James,” Remus said with a shrug. “He’s just disappointed he could never land someone like Bertie Aubrey.” He laughed when the vinegar scent burned at the edges. “Scared that I might, Black? That’d be something. Unfortunately, I think I’m a little young for him. I’ll have to stick with Lisa for now.”

“Whatever, Lupin. Have fun on your date.” Sirius stormed out of the dorm, slamming the door hard behind him.

James ruffled his hair with a sigh. “Well that went well as usual.”

“Sorry, but if he’s going to needle me, I’m going to do it right back.”

“I know.” James laughed to himself. “Bertram Aubrey? Would you really go for him? He’s a git.”

“Eh, he’s all right.” Remus picked up a book and settled back on his headboard. “Even if it’s just to annoy Sirius.”

“Well I’m going to need a date now that you two are getting dates.”

“I don’t have a date,” Peter said. His bland smile turned slightly fearful when James’s maniacal planning grin fell into place.

“We’ll just see about that.”

\--

“We aren’t going with your friends?” Lisa asked as they left the castle for Hogsmeade.

Remus shook his head in confusion. “Why would we? Anyway, they’ve got dates of their own.” He offered his hand to Lisa with a tentative smile.

She hesitated briefly before taking his hand. “Even Sirius?”

“Yeah, he asked Cara Simms.”

“Oh.”

Indeed, Remus thought grimly. He tried smiling at Lisa again, but her return smile wasn’t as relaxed as it should have been. A second later it clicked into place - she’d only agreed to go with him because she thought Sirius would be joining them. He gave her hand a light squeeze, then adjusted his scarf as an excuse to drop her hand.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets instead of reaching for her again. Hoping to salvage some piece of his pride, he said, “We could spy on them, if you want.”

“What?”

“Sirius and Cara. If it’s Sirius you’re really interested in, we could spy on them. See what he’s like on a date.”

“Oh,” she said with a light blush. “I don’t - I mean - I didn’t say yes just to - to see Sirius.”

“Yes you did. But it’s okay.” Remus stared down the path, wondering why he cared so much. He didn’t even like Lisa and only asked her out to annoy Sirius. “Come on,” he said with a light smile, “he likes to hit Zonko’s first.”

All in all, the date wasn’t so bad. Lisa talked a little too enthusiastically about Charms Club, but also had interesting theories to share about the Auror Wilson series that Remus loved. They followed discreetly behind Sirius and Cara for a while, making up the dialogue they couldn’t hear. Remus had Lisa in stitches pretending to be Cara pining for James while on a date with Sirius. 

And when Sirius accidentally caught sight of them, Lisa laughingly tugged Remus into an awkward kiss. Thankfully it involved no tongue because her cloying scent might have made Remus gag if he had to taste it. The fiery glare Sirius shot him only made Remus laugh harder as he escaped with Lisa down the road back to school.

He dropped her off by the stairs leading to Ravenclaw tower with a laughing promise to never ask her out again, but to put in a good word with Sirius. Smiling, he returned to the dorm to find Peter looking over the map.

“Didn’t you go to Hogsmeade?”

Peter sighed and brushed the blond fringe from his eyes. “No. Millie backed out at the last minute. I ended up at the library. But look what I found.” He held out a book to Remus, and a quick scan revealed a series of spells to track moving objects.

“For the stairs?”

“Yeah. It might take a while to get them all laid out. But that’s all right, yeah? I thought we could try it out on something simple first. Like a quaffle or something.”

“Interesting! Have you -” He cut off when the door crashed open.

“So. Did you enjoy your Hogsmeade visit, Remus?” Sirius stalked across the room, his spicy hot scent making the hairs on the back of Remus’s neck stand up.

“I should… probably… take this book back to the library.” Peter made a mad dash for the door, accidentally slamming it as he left.

Sirius didn’t pause, just kept walking towards Remus. His icy demeanor, paired with the rising citrus scent, made Remus twitchy. He backed up a step, until the wolf snapped at him and kept him from retreating further.

“Oh, you know… not as much tongue-tying as I’d hoped but…”

“Think you’re funny, do you? Snogging that Ravenclaw?”

“So what? You’re snogging that Hufflepuff! So what do you care who I’m snogging?”

“You fucking git!” Sirius shoved Remus, but Remus stood his ground. “Who do you think I’m snogging with this fucking Mandrake leaf in my mouth?” Sirius spat on the floor, a gloppy mess of saliva and a crushed Mandrake leaf. “What is that even for? Are you even worth it?”

Remus stared at the mess, feeling horribly guilty. Of course Sirius wasn’t snogging Cara since he still had the leaf to deal with. The first few attempts at keeping the leaves in their mouths had ended with all three of them swallowing the leaves accidentally. And now Sirius had spit it out willingly. It would be three weeks before he could start again.

What if this was the month he would have succeeded with the Mandrake leaf? If Remus hadn’t ruined it.

And of course, now that he had no leaf in his mouth, he was free to kiss anyone he wanted.

Remus swallowed heavily and blinked away the burn of tears in his eyes. “Why are you doing this?” The wolf, always alert for the threat of violence, stood at attention inside him.

“I don’t know.”

Remus pressed his lips together and nodded. “If - you know - if you’re not going to kiss anyone… I won’t either.” 

Sirius crossed his arms and sneered. “How generous of you. I’ll keep that in mind for next month. Until then… kiss whoever you want.”

After a statement like that, Remus couldn’t help dropping his gaze to Sirius’s lips. When the citrusy scent sharpened, Remus’s mouth watered and the wolf growled deep. He stalked forward, forcing Sirius back and back until he bumped his trunk and sat awkwardly. Remus crowded closer, half kneeling on Sirius’s lap and half standing. His hand darted out to grasp Sirius’s chin.

He nuzzled along Sirius’s neck, inhaling deeply. Harshly he whispered into that perfect ear, “Anyone at all?” His lips grazed Sirius’s jaw and then hesitated only a fraction of a second when brown eyes met grey, before claiming that mouth for his own.

Of course the kiss was a mess. How could it be anything else? Neither of them knew what they were doing or where their tongues should go or how much teeth was too much. Remus wanted to devour the sweet, luscious boy under him. The wolf snapped and roared, wanting to crush the fragile human body. Remus felt all his senses opening up, welcoming anything Sirius had to offer. The sharp citrus and spice, the frantic beating of his heart, the hot pant of his breath, the strong grip of his hand in Remus’s hair.

Remus shifted, trying to get closer, and his leg brushed against an unmistakable bulge in Sirius’s trousers. “Yes…” he hissed against Sirius’s mouth.

“No!” Sirius growled back. He shoved Remus, unbalancing him and knocking him to the floor, and ran for the door.

Shaking all over, Remus rolled to a kneeling position and pressed his face into the duvet hanging off the bed next to him. His own erection ached and within seconds of taking himself in hand, he was spilling on the floor, growling his orgasm into the blanket.

He sat back and stared at his spunk on the stones. What the fuck just happened? He tried to hold back the insane laughter bubbling in him but then thought ‘fuck it’ and giggled like a madman. His whole body was trembling and he felt like he could fly without a broom. With trembling fingers, he found his handkerchief and cleaned up his mess. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d ever come but it was by far the best. Feeling too giddy to work out the exact maths, he guessed that was roughly twelve times better than wanking by himself. He laughed again as he rolled himself up in his duvet. Sirius wanted him. Desired him. How the _fuck_ had he misunderstood that spicy scent for so long? He stretched and sighed, enjoying the hot rush of adrenaline through his system. It drowned out the wolf, making it calm and sleepy. Remus smiled, pleased with how the afternoon had gone.

Pleased that Sirius had one less secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To become an Animagus, you must hold a mandrake leaf in your mouth from one full moon to the next. So if you fail, you have to wait until the next full moon to try again.


	4. Backsliding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s not uncommon for a person to make progress, but then backslide a little. It’s not wrong, it’s just what happens on the road to coping. This section is more anger, sprinkled with jealousy.

\--------  
Backsliding  
\--------

The thing about the Healers at St Mungo’s was that they were always in a hurry. During his annual physical, a Healer would breeze in, jot down his vitals, ask about his latest transformations, lament the lack of research in treating werewolves, and then wish him well in the coming year as they vanished out the door.

This year’s Healer looked to be fresh out of training. She eyed Remus throughout the exam, giving him small, nervous smiles for every one of his answers to her questions. “I don’t see in your record anything about your soulmate, but I see your words are silver. Is she in your life at all?”

“Erm, it’s a _he_ , and yeah, I see him all the time.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened a fraction, and it was only Remus’s keen eyesight that would have caught it. Her nervousness ebbed slightly as she smiled kindly. “Hmm… seems like you should be having fewer problems post-moon. You’ve reported chronic headaches, but if you’re in physical contact with your soulmate, that shouldn’t be happening.”

“Yeah well he’s not much into physical contact.” 

“Ah, I see. Well, talk with him about it and see if you can reach some sort of agreement. Maybe if not with him, you could arrange an _encounter_ with someone else just before the full moon. Assuming he’s not the jealous type.”

“An encounter?”

A light blush flushed her cheeks as she stood to leave. “Yes. Recent research indicates,” she cleared her throat, “er, sexual intercourse just before the full moon can make the transition easier.” She smoothed down her lime green robes and gave Remus a shaky smile. 

Remus thought his eyes might pop out of his head. “I’m fourteen years old!”

“What?” Her face flushed a violent red as she flipped to the front of his chart. “Oh shit,” she whispered under her breath. She bit her lip and her worried eyes met his. “Please, please, _please_ don’t tell anyone I said that! I could lose my job! Oh shit! You just look so… much older.”

“Yeah,” Remus squeaked, “I get that a lot.” At six feet tall, he did indeed surprise people with his young age. Coupled with the fact he’d not had time to shave that morning before making the long trek to this wretched hospital, and he wasn’t surprised she thought him much older. All the same… no one had ever suggested he get laid!

She gave him a nervous giggle. “Seriously, I could lose my job for recommending sex to a minor. So if you could -”

“Oh Merlin, who would I tell?” Remus laughed, and thankfully she laughed too.

“I’m so sorry for assuming… I’m - er - this is my first week. Brilliant, aren’t I?”

“Perhaps read the _whole_ chart next time.”

“I’m sure to never forget this moment so… yeah… next time.” She looked down at his chart with a smile. “Anyway, damage is done so… Keep it in mind. For when you’re ready.”

Unfortunately, he _was_ already ready. Puberty had hit hard and the wolf drove him spare with unrelenting demands. Remus dreaded the return to school because he knew that smelling Sirius all day would be a slow form of torture. He repeatedly made himself laugh imagining Sirius’s face when Remus asked him for a quick blow job to take the edge off.

On the train to school, Remus actually wondered if things weren’t as hopeless as they seemed. Almost as soon as the four boys found each other, the spicy citrus scent rose up from Sirius and wrapped around Remus. The familiarity of it had Remus’s worries fading away. He’d worry about the next moon another time. He didn’t want to break the fragile peace that had developed.

As soon as the feast ended, the boys hightailed it to their dorm to catch up in ways they couldn’t on the train full of eavesdroppers.

James threw open his trunk and removed a black glass vial. “So Sirius and I have our Mandrake leaves ready.”

Peter groaned and fell back on his bed. “Damn! I still don’t have mine yet.”

Admittedly, Remus didn’t really think they’d make it so far and now he worried for his friends. “Do you really think it’s wise to attempt this? What if something happens to you? Some of those pictures of Animagus transformations gone wrong were pretty horrific.”

James made a dismissive sound. “That’s not gonna happen. Now we just need a lightning storm.”

“We did some more research over the summer,” Sirius said from his bed, almost meeting Remus’s eye. “On meditating and finding your potential animal.”

“Yeah,” James interrupted, fairly bouncing on his toes. “I think mine’s going to be something fast. Like an ibex or an antelope.”

“I couldn’t see anything,” moaned Peter. “I think I’m something small that the wolf is going to eat up straightaway.”

Remus felt himself shuttering. Even if they made it to the end and were able to transform at will, the threat of the wolf still hovered like a black cloud of doom. They all knew it. But for Peter to voice it out loud hurt more than it should have. There was no need to mention how ridiculously dangerous it all was, on so many levels.

Sirius barked a laugh from his bed. “Well I haven’t gotten a good idea of what I’m going to be yet, but with my luck it’s some kind of chupacabra the wolf is going to try and bugger all night.”

After his strange visit to the Healers last week, Remus couldn’t help but laugh. Soon, they all joined in and the mood was miraculously lightened. Even better, Sirius gave Remus a small wink as he got up to unpack his trunk.

Remus told himself he wouldn’t read too much into it.

He had to repeat it to himself a hundred times over the next few weeks as Sirius flirted with girl after girl all over the castle. One week rumor had him dating Sheila, the next it was Diane. Someone swore they saw Sirius snogging Alexandra in the Charms corridor, and someone else said that wasn’t possible because he was holding hands with Brianna just the day before.

Moon after moon slipped by, and Remus suffered alone each time.

\--

If someone were to ask Hope and Lyall Lupin about the biggest life-changing moment of their son’s life, they would certainly say the day he was bitten by Fenrir Greyback.

They were wrong, of course. Remus couldn’t remember any of the time before he was bitten and so even though the transformations were awful and painful and difficult, he couldn’t comprehend a life without them. 

No, the biggest life-changing moment of Remus’s life came the day Filius Flitwick taught his Fourth Year Charms class how to do a Silencing charm.

Until then, the boys kept their wanking to the shower, or the rare moments they were alone in the dorm. But once they learned a spell to keep them quiet in their own beds, there was no holding them back.

Remus always knew as soon as someone cast it. The unnatural silence coming from one corner of the room made his sharp ears strain to hear a sound that wasn’t there. And while the spell kept the sound away, it did nothing for the scent of sex in the air. The scent no one but Remus could discern.

He frowned and rolled his eyes the first few times it happened. James and Peter both had a scent that was at first enticing, but soured in Remus’s nose eventually. On his own, Remus researched Air Freshening charms to keep his bed free of the cloying scents. The wolf only had interest in one person’s orgasms.

Remus froze in his bed the first time the sound disappeared from Sirius’s bed. In the dark, behind his closed curtains, before he even had time to register what had happened, Remus’s cock began to swell in anticipation. He cast a Silencing charm of his own and lightly stroked himself.

Actually, he didn’t want to rush things. He tucked his hands behind his head, closed his eyes, and breathed in deep and slow. He imagined Sirius behind his curtains with his pyjama bottoms pushed down his thighs and his hand circling his prick. The citrus scent rose and fell, combined with the undefinable spice. Remus’s cock began to throb on every inhale, and a subtle ache grew, demanding he stroke himself.

The wolf prowled circles inside him, lunging and growling, and Remus began to tremble with the need to crawl into Sirius’s bed and rub his body in the heavy scent. His grip tightened and his strokes sped up, as another wave of citrus hit him. It was stronger now, and the weight of it on his tongue felt nearly tangible. Saliva pooled heavily so he spat it into his hand to ease his strokes. 

Just when he thought he couldn’t take any more, the heavy bouquet of Sirius’s orgasm assaulted him. Sweet orange blossoms, honey, and spice, along with the musky, earthy scent of his spunk. Remus turned into his pillow, not trusting the Silencing charm to muffle all the sound as he screamed through the longest orgasm of his life. Wave after wave hit him in an endless onslaught of white flames.

He melted into his bed, too lethargic to move. Even with the blood raging through his veins, he couldn’t be bothered to get up and attempt to clean himself up. The wolf inside him splayed out in a drunken stupor, too tired to snap at Remus. He felt the high pitched whining moans trying to come out, but the Silencing spell held.

Remus slept more soundly than he had in ages, and noticed the change in the wolf the next day. Thinking his healer had it right, he made wild, desperate plans for the next moon. The day before the full moon, Remus pulled out all the stops. He wore the worn, black and grey striped cardigan that Sirius always rolled his eyes at but Remus knew he secretly loved. During lessons and meals, Remus tried to sit next to Sirius and subtly bumped their arms and legs together. He took his shower earlier in the evening and ‘forgot’ to put on a t-shirt with his pyjama bottoms. His scars made him self-conscious, especially since Sirius never seemed to be looking at him, but the scent of citrus and spice didn’t lie. Sirius couldn’t lie to him about any of it.

And sure enough, the Silencing charm went up as soon as the lights went out.

\--

The system might have worked fine if not for the afternoon Sirius came back from a study session reeking of jasmine. He calmly tossed his school robes in the laundry and put on a fresh t-shirt and jeans, but the scent was embedded in his skin and it made the hackles rise on the wolf.

Yet another argument flared up between them, ending as it always did with Sirius insisting Remus turn his attentions elsewhere. Worried about losing control of the wolf and scraping the offensive scent off his soulmate, Remus ran to the library to hide himself in the stacks. He could only hope Sirius would shower before he returned.

Fooling around with others wasn’t as easy for Remus as it was for Sirius. The scent and taste of another person’s skin never felt right, making it difficult for Remus to relax enough to let anything happen. If only he could dull his senses enough to have a little fun...

One afternoon found him in the potions study lab, working on a potion for just that purpose when he ran into Bertram Aubrey. A seventh year Hufflepuff, Bertie was well known for his creative work in the potions lab, making him ever popular with the kids looking for a tiny escape of the potions variety. How the professors never caught on was a complete mystery to Remus.

A few conversations and brewing sessions later, Bertie helped him with a final concoction that made it possible for Remus to spend an hour or so in the company of another witch or wizard in a more intimate setting. Preliminary testing was done on the potions lab floor, with each of them taking turns on their knees. Bertram Aubrey couldn’t care less that Remus knew nothing about giving a blow job. Enthusiasm counted more than skill in his mind. And Remus just wanted to get off.

A combination of werewolf metabolism and Remus’s ever-present need to dull the world around him led to weekly meet-ups for Bertie to renew his supply. This worked well for them both for a few months, until one evening at dinner when Peter commented on Remus’s plate.

“I thought you hated orange glaze.”

Such a simple statement, but it had all three boys staring at Remus. He looked down at his plate and indeed, he had served himself chicken with an orange glaze. Normally he avoided anything remotely citrusy, since the taste of it always reminded him of Sirius and he ended up with an awkward erection.

But the potion was still in effect from earlier and he could hardly taste anything. He tried to shrug it off, but silver eyes narrowed on him with a frown.

“Yeah… also you haven’t said anything about how I smell like roses or jasmine or hyacinths or whatever other shit you imagine.”

“I’m not imagining it, Sirius,” Remus said, poking at his chicken. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I found a potion to dull my nose so you go and have all the fun you like.” He waved his hand dismissively and filled his mouth with the slimy, sticky chicken that tasted like cardboard.

“What kind of potion?” James asked. He cocked his head to the side and frowned along with Sirius. “Wait, you’re pants at potions so who’s helping you?”

“Bertram Aubrey.”

“And just where,” Sirius hissed, “are you getting the money to pay Bertie for his help?”

Remus grinned, just to needle Sirius. “Oh I’m not paying him money.” 

Sirius gripped his fork until his knuckles turned white. “So what are you paying him?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Remus threw his fork down and stood. “If you’ll remember, I don’t report my _comings_ and goings to you, Sirius. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not hungry after all.”

Remus made it as far as the staircase before Sirius caught up to him. He grabbed Remus’s arm to spin him around then gave him a shove. “Are you fucking Bertie?”

“What do you care? You told me to fool around with whoever I wanted.”

“You said he was too old for you!”

“Yeah, well, that was last year. This year, he seems to like what I have to offer.” Remus curled his lip when Sirius clenched his fists. “What? Want me to give him up? Live my life pining for you? You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either?”

“That’s not - he’s -” Sirius shook his head. “There’s no telling what those fucking potions are doing to you!”

“Oh I know what they’re doing. They’re making me more like you. Can’t smell anything, can’t taste anything. Just existing in a void. That potion and the fun I have with Bertie make the wolf near catatonic during the full moon. It’s damn near perfect.” 

Really, it was none of Sirius’s business if the after effects wreaked havoc on Remus’s system. He'd learned there was a difference between suppressing the wolf (with potions) and sating the wolf (with sex). And thanks to his wild metabolism, he eventually consumed nearly four times the designated dosage each time. He’d told Bertie he was sharing it around to avoid suspicion. He probably couldn’t carry on much longer with it anyway. Madam Pomfrey was beginning to suspect something, with how badly Remus reacted to his post-moon medications.

“You don’t need that shit.” His gaze shifted away from Remus and he crossed his arms in defense. “You’re fine the way you are.”

“What do you know about the way that I am? What I think? What I want?” Remus tugged at his curls and growled low in his throat, dropping his hands to cover his face. The wolf, coming off the potion again, whined inside him. He’d need another hit soon. “Maybe I’m tired of being different. Tired of missing out on the fun everyone else is so keen on. Maybe I’m - I’m tired of hating you.”

Sirius inhaled sharply. Silver eyes searched his face, for signs of he-didn’t-know-what. But there was nothing to see. No one could hide their thoughts better than the werewolf who spent a lifetime lying. Sirius reached out for him, but Remus dodged his hand and hurried up the stairs.

Three days later, James and Sirius earned a double detention for hexing Bertram Aubrey’s head to twice its size.

And Remus lost his supplier. He feared what the two boys might do if he found someone else to brew for him, and so he was forced to detox. Probably Madam Pomfrey had something that would help him along, but he worried about what she might write in his report to St Mungo’s or the Ministry.

The early stages weren’t so bad - craving and crankiness he expected. He anticipated the wolf waking up fully once again, but underestimated just how angry it would be. It roared in Remus’s head, clawed at his insides, and demanded blood. Remus locked himself in the bathroom and shouted through the door that the boys should lock and ward it from the outside as best they could.

On the cold tile, Remus shivered and moaned, not only working the last of the poison out of his system, but also trying to rein in the wolf. He remembered shredding his clothes, and shouting and banging on the door, but their charms held. Wrung out and weak the following morning, he barely registered James whispering that they were going to lessons and they’d make their excuses for Remus. Seconds later, the door shimmered and the locking charms disappeared.

Remus waited until he heard their dorm door close before making his way out of the bathroom. His legs shook too much to support him so he crawled to his bed. Since he had to pass Sirius’s bed to get there, he changed his mind and climbed into Sirius’s bed instead. He moaned in relief at being wrapped in his soulmate’s scent. The sweet honey and spice were a soothing balm on his ragged emotions. Finally feeling at peace, Remus slept most of the day away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In canon, a silencing charm wasn’t introduced until fifth year, but I moved it to fourth year to suit my story. But probably I’m the only one that cares about that tiny detail.
> 
> For those that don't know, a chupacabra is a dog-like, goat killing mythical creature. It's in nearly all Spanish cultures, primarily in Mexico and Central America.
> 
> For Animagus transformation, you mix the mandrake leaf with some other things, then save it to drink during an electrical storm.


	5. Depression

\--------  
Depression  
\--------

As Remus opened his Hogwarts letter, a shiny badge fell out proclaiming him Gryffindor Prefect. Well, he thought to himself, the Headmaster could have given him a heads up first. Pride and fear fought for dominance inside him, as he worried through what the coming year would bring. Could he really manage being Prefect? Was this some sort of trick by Dumbledore, to make Remus more beholden to him? A show of confidence, that despite his affliction, he could still manage the extra responsibility? Or maybe just keep his friends in line? 

Whatever the reason, Remus felt he wasn’t the right man for the job. Although when set against James, Sirius, and Peter as options… the choice must have felt obvious to Dumbledore.

Hope Lupin was beside herself with excitement. She insisted on a little party to celebrate and asked Remus to invite the other Fifth Year students along. The girls all said no, although Lily congratulated him and said she looked forward to working with him. But James, Sirius, and Peter all arranged to spend the night at the Lupin household to celebrate Remus’s good fortune.

That night, Remus was christened Moony, and was introduced to Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.

Remus struggled to hold back tears as he witnessed the transformations. He couldn’t believe they’d done it. And no horrible mis-transfigurations on anyone! There was still a ways to go, as none of them could hold it for more than an hour or so, but they had confidence they would build quickly to the entire night so they could keep the wolf company.

But hope for the coming year was built on a crumbling foundation of empty dreams. 

The night before the first full moon of the term, Remus waited in his bed for Sirius to put up his Silencing charm. When quiet snores met his ear, he tensed up with worry. No potion, no partner to fool around with, and now no living vicariously through his soulmate.

Time was running out, Remus knew, and for the first time ever, desperation drove him to beg Sirius for what he needed. The four boys were spending lunch in the library, for Peter and Remus to work on Potions homework, and for James and Sirius to look up new, helpful spells for the map. They’d managed to use the same tracking spell for the stairs on people, conjuring little green dots for each person on the parchment. But they could only track people they had cast the spell on, and only label people they specified, and that wasn’t good enough for James. He wanted to track everyone that came to the school. 

This felt like wasted effort to Remus, and he tried to say so. “Do you really think you can lay a new spell on the gates and no one will notice? Dumbledore monitors those wards, you know.”

“Right, but he doesn’t monitor the entire path, does he? If we lay a spell across the path here,” he pointed to the sketch of the main road, “just a few feet from the gates, probably no one will notice it, and then poof! New dots appear on the map.”

“What about the little kids, that don’t go down to Hogsmeade yet and come in on the boats?”

“We can do another layer on the dock, so it tags them when they come up from the boats. I mean, it’s not foolproof, but it’s at least a start. Over time, it’ll catch everyone.”

“How will you know who is who?”

“We’ll find a spell to label new people. Something we can lay over the tracking spell. One thing at a time, Remus!”

“And if Dumbledore finds out?”

“Worst case, he removes the ward and we come up with a Plan B.”

Remus knew that on the list of worst case scenarios, Dumbledore removing it didn’t even make the top five, but James was dragging Peter off to test the first layer of spells before Transfiguration started so Remus wasn’t going to object. He needed to talk to Sirius and wouldn’t be passing up this opportunity.

He moved around the table to sit next to Sirius. He cringed when Sirius’s scent briefly soured, but the soft honey scent returned quickly enough. 

“So… the full moon is coming up…”

“Yeah, I know.” Sirius visibly tensed and Remus could hear the increase in his heartbeat.

He rested a hand on Sirius’s wrist, which did absolutely nothing to slow his heart. If anything, it made Sirius more nervous. Remus moved his hand back to his lap and stared at the table. He opened his mouth to say something else, but Sirius shot to his feet and began throwing things in his bag.

“My parents are in negotiations.”

Remus’s face screwed up in confusion. Before he could ask for clarification, Sirius continued, “A girl from Northern Italy. She goes to Beauxbatons and meets all their qualifications.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah so… I guess you’re free now.” Sirius threw his bag over his shoulder and paused. With eyes on the floor, he whispered, “Good luck, Moony.” He disappeared, carrying the scent of burned sugar with him.

\--

Remus lost what little remained of his virginity that afternoon, between the plump thighs of Yesenia Marks. She said he showed great potential, but encouraged him to gain a little more experience before approaching her again.

Except he didn’t want any more experience. The scent of her on his skin made him sick. Lethargy from the oncoming moon made it difficult to even get his clothes off for a shower. Rather than attempting it, which would probably end with a naked werewolf passed out on the bathroom floor, he decided to curl up in Sirius’s bed and see if the scent of his soulmate could drown out her scent.

Remus woke in a fog of yelling and someone shaking him.

“What the fuck are you doing in my bed? And why are you naked? Fucking hell, Remus, I swear if you were wanking in my bed I’m going to castrate you!”

Remus moaned and covered his head, as if that would shield him from the words. He tried to get up, but his legs were too tired to respond. He ended up falling out of bed in a tangle of sheets.

“I stink and couldn’t wash her off…” he mumbled, already half asleep again. He heard voices but couldn’t make out what they said. He curled up in the sheet, tired enough to finish his nap on the stone floor. But a moment later, someone levitated him to his own bed. He settled in with a sigh, burying his face in the sheet from Sirius’s bed. Something warm enveloped him, and he didn’t remember the scent of honey being so strong. He was fast asleep before he could question it.

\--

Another bloke would be more convenient. His experience was limited to Bertram Aubrey, but he’d never left much of his scent behind on Remus. He cursed Bertie for graduating, and for not introducing Remus to other gay or bi boys in the school. Surely there were others. But where would he find them? And how would he hide a dalliance from Sirius? He’d said Remus was free, but Remus didn’t want to test the limits just yet.

But he _needed_ someone to get him off. Nothing elaborate or complicated or long-term, just something simple but more than he could do on his own. And time pressed on him relentlessly, as the next full moon approached.

With sweaty palms and a racing heart, Remus took a chance one late night, after he was sure James and Peter had fallen asleep. He peeked into Sirius’s closed bed curtains and smiled at the sleeping form, all curled up and peaceful.

“Sirius,” he whispered, adding a gentle shake.

In half a second, Sirius was wide awake with wand pointed at Remus. He paused for a second, then dropped his wand arm. “Fucking hell, Remus -”

“Shh, the boys are sleeping.”

“You scared the shit out of me! What happened?”

“Nothing… I just...erm...” Remus swallowed hard. What was he supposed to say? How to explain when he knew Sirius wanted nothing to do with him. He itched his nose, worried about what the honey fading to burned sugar could mean. “With - erm - the full moon coming… it helps me if I - if I have someone to…” He trailed off, already shrinking away from Sirius’s unsmiling mask.

“Whatever it is, I can’t help you.” Sirius rolled over, his back to Remus, and sighed, “Go back to bed, Remus.”

“Please… I’m running out of time and I need…” He reached for Sirius, intending to trace the line of his back, but he pulled back before making contact. “I need to get off with someone.”

“What!” Sirius hissed, sitting up and scrambling back to the edge of the bed farthest from Remus. The fiery ash joined the burned sugar and Remus shook his head.

He reached for Sirius again, but Sirius jerked away and nearly fell out of the bed. “You don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going to - to assault you or anything. I don’t even have to touch you… please…”

“Get the fuck out of my bed right now! Whatever madness you’re thinking of, I want no part of it! I told you, I belong to someone else.” He kicked at Remus.

Wringing his hands and trying not to cry, Remus stood. “Right, I’m sorry I bothered you.” In his bed, he cast a Silencing charm and let the soundless tears fall.

Shaky and exhausted from lack of sleep, Remus went into the full moon expecting the worst. A bad tear in his ankle joint meant an extra night in the hospital wing, and a further delay in returning to his Prefect duties. James tried to cheer him by reporting on their night-time progress maintaining their animal forms, but that had always been a pipe dream to Remus. Whether they managed it or not, he wasn’t going to let his friends risk themselves in that way.

He needed more of his potion. It made sex easier to tolerate and felt like his only option. Maisey Collins, a Prefect from Ravenclaw, agreed to brew it for him if he took on two of her patrols. They spent an evening in the potions lab, talking about the funniest scenarios they’d encountered as Prefects. At the end of two hours, Remus had ten doses to ration. He thanked Maisey at the top of the stairs where they would split to their respective Towers.

Until a voice interrupted, “Collins, Lupin, fancy seeing you here so late in the day.”

Remus internally groaned, and then again when Maisey said, “We were doing a little brewing! Just a little side project.” She winked at Snape and bid them both a good evening.

“What, exactly, are you brewing, Lupin? Or was that Collins brewing for you?”

Remus smirked. Snape was a twit and Remus was no snitch. “I did it myself. Maisey was just supervising, offering advice, that sort of thing. It’s nothing.” Remus made to move past Snape, but his hand darted out and grabbed Remus’s wrist.

“Not so fast. I’m sure Professor Slughorn would be most interested in your little ‘side project.’” Snape tugged Remus, trying to move him down the corridor. 

But Remus could snap him like a twig and didn’t want to see any teacher with the illicit contents of his pockets. He dug his heels in and yanked his arm back. “Thanks, but actually I’m heading back to my dorm. I’ll let him know tomorrow.” He rubbed his wrist and turned, startled to see James and Sirius coming down the corridor. What had they seen? Or heard?

Afraid of a fight that would certainly draw unwanted attention, Remus shoved Snape with a hissed, “Leave it!” He jogged up the corridor and grabbed Sirius and James by the arms to keep them from pursuing Snape.

Halfway up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, James could hold it in no longer. “What the fuck? Were you brewing with _Snivellus_? Are you mad?”

“No! It was -” He wanted to explain, about Maisey, about the potion, about his moon-induced panic, but there was too much. “It’s nothing… just leave it.”

James scrunched up his nose, “But Snape? If you need something brewed, you know we’ll do it for you!”

“It's not that nasty shit Bertie was making for you, is it?” Sirius asked.

“No of course not. I remember how bad the detox was.” Things would be better this time. Remus could control it better now that he knew what dangers lay ahead. “Anyway, Snape wasn’t brewing for me. He just interrupted something else.”

“We saw you! On the map!” Sirius added, with a frown.

“The map lied.” 

“The map never lies! There were two green dots.”

“And I’m telling you, it was me and someone else! All right? Just drop it.” Ugh that stupid map needed more labels. Although that would have implicated Maisey, and Remus was glad she’d gotten away without consequence.

A single dose didn’t accomplish much for keeping the wolf suppressed, so the next month, Remus tried a double dose, which was a mistake of epic proportions. He woke in the Hospital Wing, with his face on fire, and pain radiating out from his hip. He could hardly move without the ache intensifying. He moaned in reflex, but even his throat felt ragged and torn.

Sirius sat on the chair next to his bed, head resting in his hands. He looked up when Remus moaned and whispered, “Moony… are you all right? Your dad’s here. Packing your things. You’re not kicked out, are you?”

“What -” he coughed feebly, about to ask for water, when Sirius grabbed a cup from the bedside table. He helped Remus sit up and drink small sips until his throat didn’t feel so raw. “What happened? I remember James… and Snape? Fuck,” he moaned again. “I hurt everywhere.” Gingerly he touched the bandage on his face. “What were they doing in the tunnel?”

“It was bad?” Sirius asked. He fiddled with the hem of his sleeve, his eyes on the floor. The scent of him overwhelmed Remus, too many things to focus on with his head aching so badly.

“Yeah.” Remus licked his lips and closed his eyes. The wolf, fighting back against the potion coupled with the scent of humans, had been completely out of control. Well, more so than usual. “The wolf smelled them. Beat itself senseless against everything in the Shack. You said my dad’s here?”

Madam Pomfrey came over with a tray of supplies. “Oh Remus, I’m so glad you’re awake. You’re in pain?”

Remus didn’t bother to answer that question while she adjusted his bed so he could sit up more comfortably. “My dad is here?”

“Yes, you’ll need to rest for a few days and it’s so close to the Christmas holiday, the Headmaster thought it best you go home early.” She handed him the vial of pain potion first, but it only just took the edge off. She smiled sadly and handed him another vial. “I’m sorry I can’t give you more right now. This one’s a blood replenishing potion. I had trouble stabilizing your wounds.”

His hand froze halfway to taking the vial. “Oh?”

“Yes,” she said, her eyes stern and knowing. “Almost as if you were on some sort of unauthorized potion. It was a close call.”

“My face?” Remus asked, touching the bandages again.

“It took me a while with your hip. I was worried you were going to bleed out, but I managed it in the end. You broke your arm in two places. And of course, the scratch across your face. I’m afraid you’ll be left with several new scars.”

“Oh.” Remus downed the potion, along with two others and relaxed into the bed in a haze. “I don’t understand.”

The door to the infirmary opened and Lyall Lupin came in, accompanied by James and Peter. Remus closed his eyes and inhaled deeply of the scent of home. The fresh scent of pine from his dad, coupled with the gentle scent of violets from his mum. Lyall gave him a careful hug, mindful of his new injuries.

“Dad…” Remus wanted to say it was good to see him, but of course it wasn’t. “Mum all right?”

“She’s fine, son. Worried about you. Professor Dumbledore explained what he could about last night.” He looked at James and Sirius, then gave Remus a small smile. “We can talk about it later. But don’t worry, everything is fine and you’ll be coming back for next term.”

Remus released a tension he didn’t know he was holding. Something strange was going on, and clearly his father didn’t want to talk about it with an audience. 

Madam Pomfrey must have sensed the same. “Mr Lupin,” she said, “if you’ll come with me, I can get you his medicines for the coming days.”

When the two adults left, the three boys crowded closer to Remus’s bed, James and Peter on one side and Sirius on the other. James glared at Sirius. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Tell me what?” James took Remus’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

Sirius cleared his throat, “James, don’t. Why don’t you two go and let me talk to Remus.”

As apprehension grew, Remus shifted nervously in the bed. He held tightly to James’s hand, unwilling to relinquish his support. “This is about Snape, isn’t it?” 

James pressed his lips together and nodded. 

“James, this isn’t your business! Just go -”

“Not my business? Are you mad? I’m the one that saved him, aren’t I?”

“Will someone please tell me what is going on?”

The three boys looked at one another and then Remus. He felt, almost as a physical blow, the weight of their concern and sadness. Fear pooled in his belly, clawing its way up his throat and threatening to explode out of him in a wild, primal scream. The wolf, sated and tired until now, began to prowl tight circles inside him.

“I told Snape about the Whomping Willow. How to get past it, that something ‘special’ awaited him at the end. It was just meant to scare him…” His last words were so quiet that Remus felt them more than heard them. 

He shook his head. “No, you didn’t. You couldn’t have.”

“I was - was jealous. First he tried to take Lily, and now trying to take you away…”

“Take me - away from who? From you?” Remus laughed bitterly. “You said - you said I was free of you. You belong to someone else. Which is it, Sirius? Am I yours or not yours? Are you going to just, what? String me along? Forever? Push me away and pull me in like some fucked up tide?” Hot tears pooled and spilled, soaking the bandage across his face. He pressed his hand against the burning sensation. “I’m not yours anymore.”

“You think I wanted this? That I like feeling like this?” Sirius stood and kicked his chair. He buried his hands in his hair with a low growl. “If you were with anyone else…”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! I already told you there wasn’t anything with me and Snape. Why can’t you believe me?”

“I saw you! The two of you on the map, and looking so fucking cosy in the corridor!”

“I told you that was nothing!” He hissed and pressed harder on his cheek. “Ugh, this hurts like a son of a bitch!” His breath hitched as he tried to calm himself down. “It was nothing. And even if it was something, I’m not your concern anymore. You said so yourself.”

“Remus…”

“Fuck off, Sirius. I don’t need you. Don’t want you.” Remus looked away, scared of what Sirius’s face might show that would make Remus cave in and comfort this boy that hurt him so much, so many times. But it didn’t matter if he looked, the heavy flood of burned sugar scent was more informative anyway.

Sirius stormed away, kicking at every bed he passed and finally slamming the door behind him. In the blink of an eye, Lyall was there, cradling him gently in a hug. Remus cried on his shoulder, until he couldn’t think of anything anymore.

When he’d calmed, he saw that James and Peter were already gone. He hoped they’d look after Sirius and keep him doing anything foolish. Remus laid as still as he could while Madam Pomfrey immobilized his leg for the portkey travel. Lyall helped him stand, and steadied him when he swayed. 

“Fuck,” Remus grunted as his leg took some of his weight and pain shot up through his whole body. Blushing, he muttered, “Sorry…”

“It’s all right, son. You’ve earned it. Grab hold here.” He handed Remus a half empty ink pot. They held it together, with his father’s hand around his waist, until it glowed blue and whisked them away to home.

\--

They moved carefully around one another when the new term began. It almost felt like first year again, when Remus and Sirius were avoiding each other as much as possible, only now the things they’d done and said hovered like a black cloud at all times. James did his best to bridge the gap, but this wasn’t something that could easily be glossed over or forgotten.

Remus couldn’t forget that his soulmate had betrayed him. Even if he hadn’t told Snape that Remus, not some random werewolf, waited at the end of the tunnel, it was still an alarming clue. Especially given Snape’s propensity for sniffing out mischief. And if he’d gotten to the end of the tunnel? Remus could have killed him, and killed James as well. It was hard to function normally, knowing the killer he always denied being, lurked there beneath the surface just waiting for an opportunity to strike.

And it was all made worse by knowing he would forgive Sirius if he made the tiniest of overtures. No one smelled as good, or made Remus feel more himself than his soulmate. Somewhere deep inside him lurked the knowledge he could never accept anyone else into his life. Or his bed. 

The tiny overture came just before the first full moon of the term. Remus had mostly closed himself off from the general student population. The fresh scar across his face had healed, but it drew every eye and curious questions. He refused to answer, and always just shrugged it off. It made him wary, and unwilling to engage anyone’s attention. He figured it wouldn’t matter anyway, the moon was what it was, and there was no easing the way. Sex provided false hope that he could manage the unmanageable. He’d take the next moon as it came and then move on. To the next, and the next, and the next. An endless cycle of pain and relief he couldn’t escape.

Late that night, long after everyone had fallen asleep, his bed curtains parted, and a warm body joined him. Sirius, under the covers, curled up behind Remus, pressing his front to Remus’s back. He wanted to object, even if only because of the fiery black scent of fear making his eyes water, but he was too curious to hear what Sirius might say without James and Peter and their pitying looks.

Moving slowly, Sirius’s hand rubbed small circles on Remus’s belly. He sighed heavily, pressing his forehead into Remus’s back, and the fiery ash melted away into the sweet honey of his calm. Remus shifted so he could lean back against Sirius. It must have seemed like permission of a sort, because Sirius’s hand moved under his waistband, carding through the coarse curls at the base of Remus’s prick. 

Remus grabbed Sirius’s wrist, stopping this folly before they both did something they regretted. Lips brushed the nape of his neck and Sirius whispered, “Please, let me…”

“Tell me you want this.”

The floodgates opened and a hot, pulsing wave of citrus and spice hit Remus with a force that made him moan. In reflex he gripped harder at Sirius’s wrist, but then released him. Wasting no time, he took Remus’s cock in hand and began stroking at a steady pace. His breath came faster as Sirius moved and pressed his own erection against Remus. 

Remus groaned again and reached behind him to squeeze Sirius’s thigh. He wondered briefly if Sirius could smell Remus’s arousal, and what it smelled like. And then nothing mattered as wave after wave of pleasure crested. Sirius stroked him through his orgasm, not stopping until he’d wrung every drop from Remus and his whole body melted into Sirius. Remus swam in a pleasant haze, surrounded by citrus and spice, and the sound of Sirius’s little panting breath in his ear.

He rolled back, forcing Sirius back as well. “Come on me?” he asked quietly.

Sirius sat up by Remus's hip, pushing the duvet back and his pyjamas down. The shadows were more than Remus’s sharp eyes could handle, and he wondered if Sirius would do this in the daylight so Remus could see all of him. Then he cursed his childish wishful thinking. 

Sirius pumped his fist like mad, and came with a surge of orange blossoms. He collapsed forward to rest his forehead on Remus’s shoulder. In a touch so gentle, Remus was afraid he’d imagined it, soft lips brushed the skin of his chest. 

Then he left. Sirius closed the curtains and returned to his bed without a word. The cooling spunk on Remus’s belly, and the faint scent of citrus and spice were all that remained. But it was enough. He followed Madam Pomfrey to the Shrieking Shack the next night expecting the full moon to go smoothly, considering how loopy and tired the wolf was.

He did not expect to arrive and immediately catch the scent of a dog, a stag, and a rat.

“No, absolutely not!” He hissed as soon as he was sure Madam Pomfrey had left. “Where are you?”

The three boys emerged from the second bedroom, looking and smelling nervous.

“We did it, Remus. Over the holiday.” James darted a glance at Sirius, who stared sullenly at the floor. “Sirius drove us like a demon, and it worked. Three separate nights we stayed animals for the entire night.”

“You - you can’t do this. I could -” Remus covered his face, furiously wiping at tears. “Fuck, I could kill you if this doesn’t work.”

“But you won’t,” James said with his usual confidence. He tossed his head playfully. “I promise, all you’ll get is an antler in the arse.”

Remus looked to Peter, always the weakest link. “Surely you don’t want to do this!”

“It was me that froze the Willow to get us down here,” Peter said with a shaky smile. “We can do it.” He looked to James again, and smiled when James nodded encouragingly.

“Sirius…”

“I’m not afraid.” And indeed, he smelled so heavily of honey that Remus thought bees might seek him out. He elbowed James and laughed, “Besides, if the worst happens, at least I don’t have to marry Serena.”

Remus smothered a horrified laugh with his hands. “But we… we just _can’t_ ”

“We already are,” Sirius said softly, taking Remus by the hand. “I have to.” He met Remus’s eyes and sighed, “Let me…” 

He wanted to protest. Or get them to safety. Or talk about it more. But he could already feel his blood rushing and the wolf snapping in excitement. Sirius’s hand circled his neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. Although it wasn't their first kiss, it was the first that Sirius had initiated. And he'd become much more skilled since the last time. It was honey and spice and so good that Remus wanted to drown in it. He gripped tightly to Sirius’s biceps and groaned.

“Oh fuck, it’s starting.” He panted heavily, and shook his head. “Don’t watch.” He shoved Sirius away and ran for the other bedroom. The door slammed behind him and he only had a second to take in the empty room before the screams tore from his throat.

If this went badly, he would remember the taste of their blood forever.


	6. Acceptance

\--------  
Acceptance  
\--------

“I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking…”

Remus and Peter looked up from their breakfast to stare in confusion at James, and then Sirius, who shrugged.

James scoffed and continued, “It’s two weeks until Hogsmeade. Which is also the weekend after Sirius’s seventeenth birthday. And it’s a full moon that night.”

Peter shivered and then asked, “What did you have in mind?”

“No shenanigans, Prongs,” Sirius sighed. “It’s not even that big of a deal.”

“Not a big - ! How can you say that? First of all, you’re going to get us a bottle of firewhisky. Then, I have a plan to break into the Shrieking Shack…”

“Why would we want to do that?” Remus had to ask. He fucking hated that place and getting drunk off his arse wasn’t going to change that.

“Because -” James cut off when a large eagle owl landed on his plate. “Ugh, your parents have the rudest owls I’ve ever seen,” he said to Sirius. The owl snapped at James when he tried removing the packet so he just leaned away and let Sirius get it. “What’d they send you?”

Sirius shoved it into his bag without looking at it, but the scent of peppery ash burned Remus’s nose and he knew it was bad news. Eager to distract Sirius, and James, he said, “I haven’t even heard your plan and I already hate it.”

The plan was indeed as ridiculous as Remus imagined it would be. And yet, there they all stood on that cool Saturday afternoon, clutching a bottle of firewhisky and their wands, trying to break into a place he longed to escape more than anywhere else in the world.

To add to the fun an hour later, a light drizzle started. Just enough water to make them all miserable.

“Best birthday ever, am I right?” Remus asked with a wink.

Sirius blushed and stared down at the ground. “It could have been worse.”

Before Remus could ask how, the Shack glowed a sickly yellow and the door swung open.

“Success!” James yelled. He whooped loudly and ran inside, exploring the house as if he’d never seen it before.

The others followed him in at a slower pace. Peter collapsed on the broken sofa. “When are we opening the firewhisky?”

“That stuff tastes like shit, so I also brought a bottle of butterbeer,” Sirius said, pulling a pint bottle from a pocket of his robe. “If nothing else, it’ll wash out the taste.” He pulled up a chair and repaired the broken leg with a swish of his wand. “If we’re going to start hanging out here, we need to get the place some better furniture.”

“We’re not going to be hanging out here,” Remus said, banishing some dust from the floor and sitting cross-legged.

“Oh no,” James grinned as he returned, “we won’t be hanging out here. I’ve got a plan.”

The plan was simple; a series of time-sensitive spells to dismantle the wards on the door, and they would be free to run loose through the surrounding forest that evening. If this had been a year ago, Remus would have laughed until he passed out. But with the daylight streaming in, and everyone lightly buzzed, it actually didn’t sound bad. Between Sirius’s attentions once a month, and regular animal company during the full moon, the wolf had actually been rather manageable. And being free to run around sounded appealing in a way that made his mouth water and his heart race. 

He knew running loose in the Forbidden Forest was foolhardy and dangerous and classic James. Remus would have to be the one to put his foot down, keep them all safe, and not risk his place at the school. 

But then Sirius smiled that wicked grin, and Remus knew they were all sunk.

The wolf had never had free rein before, and they barely made it into the forest before it was rolling through grass and peeing on trees and splashing in puddles. The morning after, Remus felt more alert and carefree than he had in a long time. 

The night after, in their dorm, the boys gathered in Remus’s bed to talk about the next month. Remus wanted to talk about risk and danger and turning humans into werewolves. But instead he talked about the flavor of the air and the sound of rushing water and the exhilaration of the night air in the wolf’s fur. Caged werewolves tended to die young, from self-inflicted injuries, a knowledge he could never quite let go of. On the other hand, wild werewolves were hunted mercilessly so really he was bound to die young no matter what.

They went to their beds, after making eager plans for the following month. Remus settled into bed, leaving a small gap in the curtain so he could watch Sirius for as long as possible. He sat in his bed, reading another letter from home. A cloud of burned sugar hovered around him still, and it made Remus want to smother him with ice cream or chocolate or blankets or anything that would soften the smell back to the honey he loved.

Sirius crumpled up his letter and threw it in the dorm fire. He sat with his head resting in his hands for a minute or two, looking utterly defeated, and then tucked himself into his bed with a heavy sigh.

Remus waited a few minutes, then went to the bathroom, just for an excuse to open his curtains. When he returned to bed, he left them open, as an invitation. Sirius kept to a strict schedule of once a month in Remus’s bed, and then never acknowledged it after. But he looked so pitiful, Remus wanted to offer him some comfort. 

He slept peacefully through til morning, with only the faint hint of honey on his spare pillow as proof that Sirius might have spent a little time in his bed.

\--

In the library a few days later, James and Remus were clearing up more doodles and comments from the map when a new set of green dots appeared on it.

“Sirius,” James said, “your parents are here.”

“What? That’s impossible!” He grabbed the map and scanned the path, watching two green dots labeled ‘Walburga Black’ and ‘Orion Black’ wobble along. “Oh fuck, I’m in for it now!” He tossed the parchment to the table and grabbed his bag. Throwing it at Peter sitting next to him, he said, “Pack up my shit for me. I’ll meet you lot in the dorm.”

He ran from the library as though a nundu was after him, knocking two younger kids aside as he barrelled through the door.

“What do you think they want?” Peter asked as he packed Sirius’s books.

James folded the map and tucked it into his bag and started gathering his own things too. “I don’t know. Has he mentioned anything?”

“There was that thick packet of papers his parents delivered right before his birthday, remember? Think it’s about that?” Remus asked as he stacked their unused books. “Has he even done anything with them? What was it?”

“A mystery,” James grinned. He pulled his Invisibility Cloak from his bag and whispered, “Who’s in?”

“Not me,” Remus said. “I’ve officially outgrown that thing.”

“I’ll go!” Peter said eagerly. “If we go to the tapestry of that ugly troll beheading, I can switch. Wormtail can fit in your pocket.”

“Sounds like a plan. We’ll meet you back in the dorm, Remus.” James put the map into his pocket and handed all their backpacks to Remus. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Remus rolled his eyes but smiled. “No, it’s fine. Take notes for me!”

An hour later, James and Peter returned, disgruntled and with no information whatsoever. “Turns out there’s no breaking into Dumbledore’s office unless he wants you to,” James said with a shrug.

They whiled away another hour waiting for Sirius, checking the map occasionally. Dumbledore had left the Black family alone in his office but it was impossible to determine what was happening when all they could see were three green dots sitting and pacing and sitting and pacing. Dumbledore finally returned and ten minutes later, Orion and Walburga left. Several minutes later, Sirius left Dumbledore’s office but he stopped on the fifth floor. 

“We should go see him,” Remus said. “Something’s not right.”

“He said to wait here.”

Remus shook his head. “No, we have to go. _I_ have to go. You two wait here.”

He hurried down the stairs and through corridors, until he found Sirius sitting cross-legged on the floor, half hiding behind a suit of armor. Without a word, he sat next to Sirius, close enough their legs pressed against each other, and the cloud of bitter, burned sugar encompassed Remus too.

After a long minute of silence, Remus said, “Not good news, I take it?”

Sirius huffed a laugh at the ceiling. “That’s putting it mildly.” Remus rested his hand on his own thigh, palm up, in case Sirius wanted a hand to hold. A soft smile accompanied a rush of desire when Sirius traced the lines of his palm. He whispered, “It was the marriage contract.”

“Oh.”

“That’s what they owled me. Now that I’m seventeen, they want me to sign it.” Sirius kept his eyes on their hands, now tracing each of Remus’s fingers. “They want to arrange a wedding for next summer. Can you believe it? Married before my NEWTs.” He huffed an ugly laugh and rested his head on the wall behind them. “I’m trying to convince them to wait another year.”

Tendrils of ice crept around Remus’s heart. He shouldn’t have got so attached to Sirius. He’d always known it would end, he just hadn’t realized it would be so soon. And yet his voice was steady enough as he asked, “Why bother waiting? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Startled grey eyes cut him deep as a heated rush of vinegar burned his nose. “Is that what you think? That I want _her_?” Launching to his feet, Sirius crossed his arms defensively. “You think after these past months, with you, that I want _her_?” 

Remus rose more slowly, his heart starting to race. “Yes?” he said slowly. “We don’t talk about these things, Sirius. I get one guilt-ridden night with you each month to help with,” he looked around the corridor to be sure of its emptiness, “with _things_ , and that’s it.”

“To help with - you think that’s why I’m with you? Just for that?”

“What else am I supposed to think? You certainly don’t join me any other night. You don’t acknowledge it even happens! We don’t talk about these things. Not like you talk to James about everything. Should I be asking him about what you want?”

While Remus ranted, the vinegar smell faded as burned sugar overtook it. Remus fucking hated that scent and wished he knew how to get rid of it permanently. He’d tried spending more time with Sirius, and less time with Sirius. He’d tried pouring affection on him, and remaining aloof. He’d tried little gifts, and kind words. Once he’d even written an entire essay, using Sirius’s typical vocabulary, to try and cheer him back to honey.

At a complete loss on what to do next, Remus watched Sirius shake his head in disbelief. “The best thing,” Sirius said, “about being with you, is I don’t have to say it.” He wiped his eye with the heel of his palm and took a shaky breath. “I thought you knew me better than that.” He backed up a few steps. “I need some time alone. Don’t follow me.”

\--

Remus rushed through an awkward, mostly silent dinner then spun a quick tale about wanting to look up something in the library, as an excuse to find a quiet spot to think. Sirius’s words had been running through his mind all afternoon, and he couldn't let it go. He thought he _did_ know Sirius, but apparently he’d gotten it all wrong.

For years, Sirius had been denying their connection, or erupting in wild ranting when it came up. They’d reached an agreement about having other people in their lives, but it had always been unbalanced, with Sirius free to date but Remus limited by his heightened senses. He would always need Sirius more than Sirius needed him, and that knowledge hurt.

And now Sirius was angry with him for not interpreting his scent correctly? Because scent was the only thing Remus had to build on. Sirius lied constantly about everything to everyone. He loved making up outrageous stories that had their friends laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. He wriggled out of detentions with slick words that left Professors shaking their heads fondly. Actually, Remus reflected, the only times his actions matched his scent were those nights he crawled into Remus’s bed for shared intimacy. 

Maybe that was it, then. The only time Sirius acted wholly as himself was with Remus, naked and wanting in each other’s arms. How did he not see it sooner? Maybe because Sirius always left his bed immediately after, and acted as though nothing had happened the next morning.

The whole thing made his head hurt and he considered staying the night in the library. But half an hour before closing, Sirius appeared, folding the map and setting it by their feet. Remus rolled his eyes and for the first time wished that they hadn’t made it. He didn't want to be found, which was why he huddled against the shelves in the ancient history stacks, where no one ever wandered.

“It’s nearly curfew,” Sirius said by way of greeting.

“I know.”

“I thought I’d walk you back.”

“And I thought I’d stay here for the night.”

Sirius looked around in disgust at the dusty shelves and complete lack of comfortable bedding. “That’s a horrible idea.”

Remus shrugged it off because he didn’t care about Sirius’s opinion on the matter. He’d spent many nights in the library and knew he could cope with its lack for one night. They sat in silence for several minutes until a shimmery streak of light whooshed past them, knocking into Sirius and then continuing on.

“What was that?” Sirius asked.

“A revelio spell. She casts it before closing to be sure the students are gone.”

“Why didn’t it hit you?”

“It’s for humans.”

Whatever response Sirius opened his mouth for was interrupted by Madam Pince and her sour frown. “What are you two doing here so close to curfew?” Her eyes darted around and landed on the map by their feet. “What’s that? Mischief of a sort?”

She held out her wand to summon it, but Sirius kicked it at Remus and linked his arm through her elbow. He gave her a dazzling smile and walked her away, teasing about closing the library early for her hot date. While her back was turned, Remus grabbed the parchment, and in a fit of panicked desperation completely hid everything on it. By the time Madam Pince shook off Sirius and remembered Remus and the parchment, it was completely blank, if a little worn. They should probably find a parchment preservation spell for it.

She narrowed her eyes at Sirius, and pressed her lips together tightly, but one side twitched with suppressed laughter. “Mischief managed, I see. Hot date, indeed!” She scoffed again, and then shooed the two of them out the door.

“Let’s go before she remembers it wasn’t blank before!” Sirius grabbed Remus by the hand and dragged him off to the stairs, his carefree laugh ringing against the stone corridor.

James didn’t find it funny at all. “We’ve worked our arses off on that map! And you two almost lost it, snogging in the stacks.”

“We weren’t snogging,” Remus said with a blush, “and it turned out fine in the end.” He whispered the counter-spell and the ink filled in all over the parchment again, along with the labeled green dots.

Peter ran his finger over the ink and said, “You know, locking it might not be a bad idea.”

“Locking it how?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Like it works well enough to wipe it clean with the spell, but then anyone can say the counterspell. If we had a password, then only people ‘in the know’ could lock and unlock it.”

“Hmm… this needs researching…”

“Fine,” Sirius said, pulling off his robes and putting on pyjama bottoms. “But tomorrow because this has been a shit day and I’m exhausted.”

“It’s only nine o’clock,” James said with a laugh. “Did you turn into an eighty year old while we weren’t looking?”

“Fuck off, I’m tired.” Sirius pulled a t-shirt over his head and climbed into bed. Something in his voice must have struck James, because he stopped his teasing and said he had to talk with Evans anyway. James left for the common room, with Peter trailing behind.

Remus put on his own pyjamas and settled in bed with a book. Every so often he glanced at Sirius’s bed but he didn’t move at all. He may have claimed exhaustion, but the tension in the room could be cut with a knife and he wanted to be there if Sirius needed him. After their odd conversations, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

But nothing happened. James and Peter returned, in good spirits, and quietly readied for bed. Remus woke alone, the scent of honey once again lingering on his bedding.

\--

Letters from Orion and Walburga arrived twice weekly after that. Sirius became sullen and moody, which in turn made Remus sullen and moody because he couldn’t escape the sour and bitter scents that leaked from Sirius like a sieve. 

For the first time that he could remember, he looked forward to a full moon. For one night, Sirius would be himself and shed all that nastiness to embrace the citrus and honey Remus loved. And the next night, the sated wolf would run happily through the forest with its animal friends, and Sirius could forget what awaited him on the other side.

Each night with Sirius was different enough that Remus didn’t know what to expect. Sometimes they swapped hand jobs, or blow jobs. Occasionally only Remus got off, which he hated. One thing that remained fairly consistent was a tragic lack of kissing. Sirius seemed to avoid his mouth, and Remus imagined it had something to do with Sirius’s intimacy issues.

On Remus’s end, the delicious heat of Sirius’s mouth drove him wild. He avoided it, simply because he didn’t think he could control himself. Like a dementor, he wanted to suck Sirius’s soul right out and consume it. He tried to limit himself to light touches of his skin, but even then he had to be careful because the urge to squeeze and bite could potentially harm his fragile, human soulmate.

The night before the December moon, he paced the room nervously while waiting for everyone to come back from the common room so they could get to bed. His palms itched to run down Sirius’s body, and he hoped he’d get to suck him off, to taste him on his tongue. Fuck, he was already hard, which would make things awkward with the other boys.

He tucked himself into bed with a book, to look less suspicious. And just in time. James and Peter came in, laughing about whatever happened in the common room. They got dressed and chatted with Remus about nothing, not noticing his mild panic. Sirius came in shortly after with four mugs of tea and a plate of scones from the kitchen. 

“What’s the occasion?” James asked as he took a mug.

Sirius shrugged, “I noticed Evans didn’t hex you _at all_ this evening. Feels like progress. Drink up.” He handed a mug to Peter too. He crossed to Remus’s bed and as he handed the mug over, he whispered so faintly under his breath that surely only Remus’s werewolf ears heard it, “Don’t drink.”

Remus looked down at the mug and sniffed it hesitantly. Lavender wasn’t unusual in a nighttime tea, but the quantity was alarming. And perhaps valerian? Just as Remus put the clues together, James and Peter slumped over in their beds, fast asleep, mugs of tea spilled on the sheets.

“Did you drug our friends?”

“I’m not even sorry.” He banished the tray to his bed and threw himself at Remus. Burying his hands in Remus’s hair, he kissed him like a starving man. He made desperate moans that sent a bolt of arousal straight to Remus’s aching cock.

He knew he should probably protest the cruel treatment of their friends, but they were sleeping soundly and wouldn’t know or care if Remus ranted indignantly on their behalf. Plus, it was hard to care with Sirius straddling his lap and grinding his hips into Remus.

Remus rolled them so he could cover Sirius. He tugged angrily at the bedding between them, nearly tearing it in his haste to pull it away. Seconds felt like an eternity as they shed their clothes, but then they lay skin to skin and Remus wanted to melt into Sirius.

His hands ran over Remus’s skin, leaving hot trails that made Remus groan. He licked and kissed at Sirius’s neck, wanting to clarify what the fuck was happening, while at the same time not wanting to question his good fortune.

He rained kisses down Sirius’s body, pausing to nuzzle the black trail of hair leading to his prick. A deep inhale made him lightheaded with the tangy sweet scent of Sirius’s arousal. Hungrily Remus sucked his cock down, desperate for the taste of him.

“No… not that,” Sirius gasped, tugging at Remus’s hair. But Remus, drowning in the haze, didn’t hear him. “Remus!” Sirius said louder, yanking harder. 

Remus pulled off angrily, his eyes so dilated he could see the individual strands of hair on Sirius’s head. The wolf snarled at being denied its feast. 

“Kiss me again.”

Oh yes, definitely more of that… Remus rubbed his face on Sirius’s belly and chest and gave his neck a long lick before devouring his mouth once again. Sirius dragged his leg up to rest against Remus’s hip. He rocked up into Remus and moaned. 

“Remus… Moony… it’s time.”

“Time for what?” Remus asked, kissing along Sirius’s jaw and squeezing hard at the flesh of his arse.

“Time to fuck me.”

Another sharp bolt of arousal shot through Remus and he feared coming right then and there. He pulled back completely, back against the foot of the bed. “What.”

Sirius straddled his lap again and nuzzled along his ear. “You heard me.” He rubbed their noses together and brushed a light kiss on his lips. “We have to.”

Remus’s hands shook as they circled Sirius’s waist and up his back. “I can’t.” He squeezed harder, stilling Sirius at last. Sirius rested his head on Remus’s shoulder, his body tense. The scent of citrus and spice spiked and Remus groaned.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Oh Sirius… I could hurt you…”

“Maybe waiting is hurting me more.”

Remus growled with want and kissed him hard again, pushing him back against the mattress. “I’ve never done this before. Not with a bloke.”

“Me either but we can figure things out. I did a little research.”

Fucking, _fuck_ if that wasn’t a huge turn-on… Gentle words guided his hands, his mouth, his body, until Remus was sinking deep into the welcoming bliss of Sirius’s body. The wolf began a high pitched whine that Remus echoed. 

Sirius made a choked sound and dug his heel into the back of Remus’s thigh. Remus pulled back on shaky arms, to see that he was all right, but Sirius moaned a broken, “Again, _fuck_ ,” and Remus was lost. Usually they were silent or Silenced, and the chance to hear as well as taste Sirius’s arousal drove Remus ever higher.

He tried to keep his thrusts gentle but between the wolf clawing at him from the inside and Sirius clawing at him from the outside, he couldn’t hold back. Sirius’s fingers bit into his flesh as he screamed his orgasm into Remus’s neck, biting him hard enough to bruise and drowning him in the scent of orange blossoms. The bite, coupled with the hot spasms around his cock, had Remus coming and coming until he thought he would fly apart from the explosion.

Exhausted beyond all measure, he collapsed on Sirius with a soft moan. The wolf rolled playfully in the citrusy, earthy scent of sex, then curled up to sleep. Remus did the same.

The next morning, Remus woke alone in his bed to the sound of James yelling.

“Oi, wanker, get up!” 

Remus opened his eyes in time to see James throwing his pillow at Sirius. Sirius moaned and threw the pillow back.

“You have questions to answer!”

Remus sighed and rolled over to avoid the confrontation, burying his head in his arms.

“What, James?” Sirius hissed. “What is so fucking important?”

James whistled. “Well, I was _going_ to ask why I can’t remember anything about last night and why my mouth tastes like flobberworms. But now I’m more interested in why Moony has all those scratches on his back.”

Oh fuck, Remus thought, as he tensed in his bed. He’d registered a light burn in his skin but in the grand scheme of things, that hardly made the pain scale at all. He pulled the covers up and over his head to hide him completely.

“Sirius, you naughty boy, did you drug me and Peter so you could shag Remus last night?” Thankfully his voice was light and playful, instead of angry and accusatory.

“That’s none of your fucking business.”

“Excuse you but if your _fucking_ business involves drugging me, it is absolutely my business. You could have just asked us to leave, you know.”

Remus gave up on trying to sleep and went to the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face and checked out his back in the mirror. In addition to the red scratches on his back, a red splotch on his neck seemed to glow the bright red of a stunning spell. He’d left his wand on his bedside table but James had probably left a salve of some kind in the cupboard.

Sirius came in as he contemplated how he would fix the skin he couldn’t reach. He held out a t-shirt for Remus, along with his wand.

“Thanks,” Remus said quietly. “I’m not sure I could reach. Can you…” He turned his back to Sirius. Warm fingers traced lines down his back. Remus gripped the edges of the counter and sighed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn't know there were scratches." 

Sirius used Remus’s wand to cast a simple healing spell. Then he put his arms around Remus’s waist and rested his head between his shoulder blades. “It’s all right, Moony.” He held his hand out, palm up, so Remus could see his silver words. “They already know I’m yours.”

It would have been heart-warming, if the words weren’t accompanied by the fog of burned sugar. Sirius wasn’t really his, not in the way Remus wanted. In some form or other he still belonged to Walburga and Orion. To Serena. Remus turned in Sirius’s arms, kissed him gently on the lips, then left him there alone.

\--

Later that evening, James walked Remus to the infirmary. He had his snitch out, tossing it from hand to hand. Remus rolled his eyes, wondering why James was chaser when he loved chasing the snitch so much.

“So you and Sirius. That a new thing?”

“Real smooth, James. That question been nagging you all day?”

James shrugged, “Eh, more or less. But then I thought about Sirius and how happy he is during the full moon. Up until this morning, I thought it was the adventure of it all. But now I’m wondering if you’ve not been engaging in pre-moon shenanigans.” He waggled his eyebrows and laughed.

“Yeah, all right. Since last year. I mean, last school year. Since January. He sneaks into my bed when you lot are asleep and we have quiet, happy-fun-times.”

“Naughty, naughty, boys! Honestly, you could have just asked us to leave.”

“It was just the one night a month, and up until last night, something small and simple.”

“So why something more last night?”

“That’s between me and Sirius. I mean, I’m sorry you got caught up in it - I swear I didn’t know he was going to drug you. Or jump me, even. But… we’re trying to work things out and it’s been… bumpy.”

James made a noncommittal sound and let his snitch loose again. It whizzed by Remus and he snatched it out of the air. “Hey!” James squawked. “That’s mine!”

“Should have been faster,” he laughed, bumping their arms together playfully.

James smiled back. They walked in silence until they turned down the Hospital Wing. James held Remus back, checking they were alone. “So… If sex puts Sirius in a good mood… Can’t you just like,” he made a wild gesture with his hands, “him into a better mood?”

Remus shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that. All I can do is follow his lead. He’ll perk up when he’s ready.”

All those times he’d tried to cheer Sirius up, while thoughtful, were never going to help. He knew now that Sirius couldn’t be happy until he could be himself and Sirius only allowed that on the single night a month that Remus needed him too. Until he found the courage to fight the expectations laid on him since birth, he would continue trying to be that boy they wanted and hating himself for it.

But that was all right; Remus didn’t mind waiting.

\--

This year’s Potter Christmas party was going to be explosive. Fleamont Potter wanted to celebrate his fiftieth birthday at the same time and turn it into a full day event. Remus, Sirius, and Peter were all invited for the Christmas holiday to take advantage of all the fun.

Peter, of course, was not allowed. His mother kept him on a tight leash and cherished his holidays too much to let him spend them somewhere else. Surprisingly, Sirius’s parents also declined. He grimaced at their letter and refused to say anything beyond, “They said no.” Although he was of age, and therefore free to make his own plans for his holidays, he morosely packed his trunk for the trip to the Black family home.

Remus was free to go, but didn’t want to for the entire holiday. He missed his parents and didn’t want to wait so many more months to see them again. Instead, he flooed to the Potter house for a few days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

The party was in full swing when he arrived. Trays of food were on all flat surfaces, music spilled from every room, and people laughed and danced all over the house. Thankfully Lily and Mary were visiting for the day so Remus had familiar faces to converse with. After all the guests had left, Remus stayed an extra night just for some fun with James.

At nearly one in the morning, they’d finished a rousing poker game that left James wearing only his pants and sporting blue hair, and Remus in eyeliner and an enlarged house elf tea towel. James was cajoling Remus into one more round, when a loud crash sounded from the floo and a trunk came tumbling through.

Seconds later, a disheveled Sirius followed.

“Thank fuck you’re here,” he gasped and grabbed a startled Remus in a hug.

Mr Potter came bustling in, awkwardly trying to tie his dressing gown with his wand in hand. “What’s going - Sirius? Is that you?” He adjusted his glasses and stared in shocked confusion at the gathering. “What happened?”

Sirius wiped his face, which only drew attention to the laceration at his temple that was seeping blood. “I’m all right. Really.” He looked at Remus with wide, earnest eyes. “I’ve left home.”

“You what?”

“I left. Told them they could take their marriage contract and their rules and their disapproval and shove it up their arses.” He darted a glance at Mr Potter. “Sorry, sir.”

Mr Potter held up his hands with a look that said, ‘I’m staying out of it.’

James looked around for his t-shirt and said, “So that’s it? You just… left?”

“Yeah. My father said they’d be disowning me and letting Regulus inherit everything. My mother said she didn’t care if I died alone and penniless in the gutter.” He moved to hug Remus again but Remus stepped away.

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s you, Moony. When it came down to it, I chose you. Told them I wasn’t marrying the witch they’d hand-picked, that I didn’t want _any_ witch. I mean, I don’t want any wizard either… Just you.”

Remus shook his head, unable to process the last few minutes. Sirius left home? Was that real? It smelled real, like orange blossoms and honey. With shaky hands, he put his pyjamas on, while he tried to order it all in his mind. Mr Potter healed Sirius, and said something about readying a guest room for him. James followed him out to give them time alone together.

“Not gonna lie, Moony, that eyeliner is sexy as fuck on you.”

“Oh,” Remus said with a laugh, rubbing at his eye and probably smearing it all. “We were… playing poker and I lost.”

“I like it.” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder. “It feels so good to hold you. Finally.”

Remus returned the hug, but cautiously, still unable to believe the sudden turn of events. Gently he pulled away and linked their fingers together instead. “This is just… so sudden, Padfoot. It doesn’t feel real.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Sirius traced Remus’s cheekbones and down his jaw. “I’m going to make it up to you. All that shit from before. I promise. From here on out, it’s you and me, all right?”

It was too much, too good to be true. Reluctantly Remus nodded. Sirius smiled and reached for him again but Remus pulled back. “Not - not yet, all right? This is all so…” he waved his hand around. “I feel... off balance.”

“Right, yes, of course.” Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground. “Does that mean you don’t want to share a room with me tonight?”

The wolf inside howled a mighty yes, but Remus was too scared. Sure, Sirius felt different now, but he’d ignored and pushed Remus away for too long for him to believe things were suddenly different now. Leaving his family home was too big of a step to take, one he would regret when the full effects made themselves known. Remus couldn’t afford to give his heart away so easily, when it might be crushed if Sirius changed his mind.

Breathing deep to calm the wolf, Remus sighed, “Not this time.”

\--

The first month back at school proceeded much as Remus expected, with Sirius happily ignoring his increasingly angry parents and trying to get into Remus’s good graces. He sat next to Remus at every opportunity, attempted to hold his hand, and asked if they could share a bed (even chastely) every night.

But Remus wasn’t used to such public attentions so he purposefully sat next to Peter when he could, shook off Sirius’s grip, and refused company every single night. He expected the dark cloud of bitter, burned sugar to return, but Sirius seemed to take the frequent rejections in stride.

Of course Remus had to relent in February, when he still needed help before the full moon. Sirius could have been a prat about it, emphasizing how generous he was to help when Remus needed him most, but he just… didn’t. He treated it like any other moon from the last year, silently joining Remus without asking, sucking him off with enthusiasm, then leaving without a word.

Remus woke in the Infirmary to a sweet honey scent, and gentle fingers carding through his hair and massaging his scalp. He hummed in appreciation before his sluggish brain put it all together.

“Sirius,” he said softly. His eyes opened to earnest grey eyes and a sleepy smile. “What are you doing here?”

“Comforting you. Aren’t I doing it right?” He shifted closer to Remus in the bed, pressing them together from hip to ankle. 

Remus took hold of Sirius’s hand to stop its path through his hair. “This is new.”

“I know. I feel new,” he grinned. He kissed the back of Remus’s hand in his. 

“Sirius…” Remus sighed in exasperation. “What is this?”

“I told you -”

“No, I mean… this change in you. I don’t know what to make of it.” Remus tried to pull himself away, but the bed lacked wiggle room. 

“This is me, trying to be myself. I’m still figuring it out, but… I know it includes you. I want to be an us.”

“That’s… great. But it’s so fast. You just left home, and I don’t think you even really know what that means yet. You’ve never... “ Remus sighed, trying to put his thoughts into words. “You’ve never had to do without, Sirius. You don’t know what it’s like…”

“Are you suggesting I’d take the ‘comforts’ of Grimmauld Place to whatever we’d have to scrounge up?”

“No… well yes? I don’t know. I just know that it’s going to be hard. Werewolves have it hard -”

Sirius interrupted with a scoffing laugh. “I’m well aware.”

“No, you really aren’t. Despite Dumbledore’s best efforts, it’s going to be almost impossible for me to find a job. Or keep it beyond a few moons. And the neighbors… My family has had to move house so many times, I’ve lost count.”

“I’m all right with supporting us, Moony. I can get a job. Join the Aurors with James.”

Remus growled in frustration. “This isn’t some schoolboy lark, Sirius!” Again he tried to separate their bodies, shifting restlessly despite the ache in his joints.

“I didn’t say it was.” 

“Then stop making light of things!”

“I’m not making light of it, I’m trying to tell you that we can handle it. Whatever comes. If we have each other.”

“This isn’t some sappy love story. I can’t be everything for you, Sirius. And I can’t… one day it’s going to be too much and you’re going to -to -”

“You think I’d leave you for them? There’s nothing on this earth that would make me so desperate I’d go back to my parents.” Sirius got out of the bed, leaving Remus unexpectedly cold. He paced and ran his hands through his hair in agitation. “You know what I thought of over Christmas? What marriage to that girl would do to me. Day after day of her cold smile and her cold ambitions. Even if she were warm and sunny, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t chain myself to someone that would never let me spend a single moment as myself. I’d be trapped for eternity living a lie of someone else’s creation.”

He threw himself into the bedside chair and hung his head in his hands. “I don’t even know what I am, what I want. I’ve spent so long trying to live up to their expectations and someone else’s ideals. These moments with you… I feel so calm and whole and real. I just want that all the time…”

“But the money… the security…”

“It’s not worth it. It’s not really secure and there’s nothing money can buy that will make me feel like you make me feel.” He knelt down next to Remus and took his hands again. “I know this is new and weird and it’s been a rocky few years… but you mean more to me than anything else and I want to be able to prove it to you.”

Over the next few weeks, Remus let him. They held hands on the way to class, sat next to each other at meals, and spent their nights curled up together. Bit by bit they learned how to laugh together, and share the tiny, hidden pieces of their hearts.

In mid-April, Sirius was summoned to Dumbledore’s office. The boys stared anxiously at the map, wondering what Orion Black and Tiberius Murray (who none of them had ever heard of) might want with Sirius.

Sirius returned an hour later, and wasted no time. “My Uncle Alphard died.”

“Oh no!”

“Who?”

“You have an uncle?”

“Yeah well…” Sirius rubbed at his neck and sat on his bed. The other three crowded around to hear the tale. “He hasn’t spoken to anyone in the family in years so… we weren’t close or anything.”

“So what does that have to do with you?” James asked.

“He left me some money. Said he was proud of me for leaving and no one deserved his money more than me.”

“Wow… unreal…”

“Mr Murray was from the Ministry, executor of the will. I had some paperwork to sign and… my father… This was the crossroad. He said if I accepted the money, it was over. So it’s official. I’m no longer his heir, and I’ve got a tidy little sum to get me started when I leave school.” He grinned madly at them. “I’m free.” Sirius laughed heartily. “I’m free!” he shouted again. Standing in his bed, he jumped up and down, yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”

They all ended up in a jumbled pile of limbs, laughing together. They dug through their trunks for sweets to celebrate with but James declared it all sub-par. He dragged Peter to the kitchens for better fare, winking at Sirius and Remus as he left.

“So what do you think now, Moony?” Sirius grinned as he sprawled across Remus’s lap. “No excuses anymore.” He ran his hands through Remus’s hair and nuzzled their noses together. “We have an official document saying I’m no longer the Black family heir and I have money to get a flat together after school. Or maybe a little cottage in the woods somewhere private.” 

“I can’t believe it…”

“Believe it, my dear, sweet Moony. Unless Orion and Regulus both die without an heir, I’m officially out. And I’m all yours.”

“All mine… Mm… what will I do with you?”

“Oh I have some ideas,” Sirius said with a wicked grin. He cast a locking charm at the door and hoped James and Peter would take the hint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two revelio spells - one for humans, one for magical creatures. Werewolves aren't mentioned specifically for either spell, so I took a little artistic license and decided the one for humans wouldn't work on werewolves.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry to say I end it here, because it hurts too much to write about Seventh Year, the war, the spy, the betrayal, and the deaths of beloved characters. We’ll just imagine it becomes an AU where they actually get to live happily ever after.


End file.
